Wednesday, October 22, 2008


The comments in my Consent post were interesting, thank you for sharing.

I agree with Issa, and I think this is more of my mode of consent. She used the concept of "pre-consent," in that there is a discussion in advance, with the parties giving advanced permission for whatever they want to do. I think this is an excellent compromise between the models of consent. It combined elements of the Antioch model, in which explicit permission is given, while not really discussing everything as it happens. There is the body language model, because good sex is about reading one's partner(s) during the act. and, there is verbal confirmation, that everything will be fine.

I would add that any person is able to say no or stop or change during the act(s).

As a critique of the Antioch model, sex puts many people into an altered state of reality. Things that would seem absurd and distasteful might seem exciting and tantalizing during the act. The "swept away in the moment" mentality may come into play. By requiring conformation during the act, rather than before the act, one may be able to actually do more than the person initially wanted.

I also enjoy the freedom of the pre-consent model. Items are discussed in advanced, rules are laid out to ensure safety, expectations can be discussed, and the encounter can be more enjoyable.


Julia said...

Pre-consent with the option to re-negotiate the consent before each subsequent encounter seems to be a good way to do it, if you're going to be engaging in activities with the same partner on a regular basis and are interested in slowly expanding your boundaries.


Azzurra said...

I'm just curious how this pre-consent notion would play out when you're both drunk and you meet a person attractive to you at a party and you start fooling around.

Fat Girl Shrinking said...

Consent implies non coercion. To me, if you cant legally sign a contract, you cannot consent. Hence, one cannot consent to sex once actually drunk, unless negotiated beforehand.

Making out, fooling around, well, that gets back to the definition of "sex." But, its also personal responsibility, in that just because one is drunk does not mean that they can lose control of their personal responsibility.

Issa said...

Interestingly, I meant something a little bit different by the "pre-consent" idea. I knew I should've written more words! :-) Another way of wording is that I say yes to people, not just to particular acts. The pre-consent, for me, is a blanket yes. I'm telling the other person that it's not possible for them to coerce me or do something I won't like. If I do end up changing my mind, saying no, wanting something different, obviously most partners will wish to do that in the moment. But if they don't, that's okay, too. I'm saying that I pre-consent to whatever happens. We'll sort it out later and adjust as needed, but it will be okay.

I, of course, recognize the inherent risks here. But, I take the idea of "edge play" in a very philosophical, sharp direction. I'm often interested in BDSM and intoxication arenas, and having partners comfortable with the fuzziest areas of consent is important to me. The common BDSM scene mantra of "safe, sane, and consensual" isn't my particular kink. I'm more of a "bring it on, let's see what happens" type girl.